the calm during the storm.

today i sped home in the rain, because it was raining. i wanted to watch the lightning on my porch.

i had a good first half of the day, bad second half. i don't want to go into detail on the www....i simply was very bitter because of something that had to do with work. anyway, i got home and watched the lighting from my porch, and i really calmed down. i prayed for god to take bitterness away from me, esp. concerning my job, because my clients do not deserve any more negativity in their lives. and i've learned that if i am bitter in one aspect of my job, that feeling is going to spill over to the other areas of my job---my clients.

i am where i am for a reason. this statement is so very hard to believe. i just need to keep saying it to myself, 100x in the day if need be, and trust in the lord completely (and not in myself).
i was looking at photos the other day that i had taken while i was living in hawaii.

seeing this every night brought such calmness, and such reassurance from the lord that i was where i was supposed to be at that moment in life. i think that is what god was sending me today by giving me the lightning and thunderstorm. hopefully this calmness sustains (or at least, jesus can give me another downpour or pretty sunset tomorrow when i'm mad at mark or something....hehe).

just a side note...why is it nature that reassures me? oh well, i'm glad it does :)

lists.

i like making lists. recently i have become obsessed with the future and plans, and therefore with this obsession come many lists. some of these lists are titled (for example): "possible jobs for mark", "baby names", "things to do before i die", and my personal favorite (aka most ridiculous), "apartments we might move into if we move to austin".

carley bought mark and i a list book for our birthday. this is a published book with pre-titled lists, such as: "cities you've been to", "scary things", "times you got in trouble", and silly things like that. they are much better than my lists, since mine all have to do with worrying about the future, and i decided to fill some in and post one today.

list what you've been for halloween:
- a clown
- pebbles from the flintstones
- a cheerleader
- peter pan (marking my first year to pick my own costume...my mom wanted me to be tinkerbell, but i thought she was too girly...hah)
- a traffic light (yeah, this is where they get interesting...i was a weird little girl)
- a playing card
- a s'more
- a mime
- a hula girl
- a 1920s flapper girl
- a cowgirl

the end. these are actually in order! you can tell when i started to calm down with my weirdness.

anyway, the point of this particular list was to implement positiveness and fun in my current list-making endeavors. i really do not want to worry about the future. this weekend, a particular conversation with our good friends sterling and sarah really calmed my brain. they encouraged us about our "climb" to wherever we are going, and showed me that my spirit can be free of worry. worrying about everything has really shackled me - from doing my best, from having the best relationship with jesus and with mark that i can, and from loving life.

a song (that we most likely all know) came on in the car today: james taylor's "fire and rain". i love the song so much, but i've never thought to analyze the lyrics before. i don't want to post the lyrics, go look them up for yourself. haha. to me, it means that things don't happen the way you plan, the way you think is best, or the way you discuss it with your friends, and the only way to get through the knowledge of being out of control is to let jesus carry you. for me, it is hard to be out of control. this is my weakness.

i will be working on it! in the meantime, be blessed! and go make fun lists!